Posts from the ‘Goofier than Normal’ Category

A Dozen New Year’s Resolutions I Won’t Keep (I call them ReSuggestions) and One That I Will Keep

Paint Salvador Dali’s ‘melted clock’ on the garage door.

Catch a fish bigger than me.

Bake anything at all – and it must be edible.

Restore a 1939 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.

Eat a three-pound hamburger.

Hitchhike from home to Winnipeg and back in 3 days.

Remove my own appendix.  (Yes, I still have it…..)

Use a new word every day that starts with the letter X.

Translate at least three works of Mark Twain into Sanskrit.

Stay up and watch the stars every night until a piece of Russian space debris falls into my yard.

Grow one of those plants that blossoms once every seven years and smells like dead flesh when it blooms.

Create a new cologne for men based on grass clippings and gasoline and sell it as “EAU D’LAWN”.

And the one I intend to keep:

Be fruitful.

There’s that Biblical phrase we hear about ‘Go ye therefore, be fruitful and multiply”.  Wilma and I are done multiplying – we’ve replaced ourselves… me with our son and Wilma with our daughter – meaning we multiplied by one.  That leaves being fruitful.

Being fruitful means that there will be little or no weeds.  Whatever I plant needs to be productive – and that can be words or actions.  I know I will get upset about things and spew forth a few negative things, but the goal is to clearly be so much more fruitful than destructive.

So I’ll leave it at that … I resolve to be fruitful as best I can.

‘Nuff said.

My Goofy Twenty Predictions for 2014

It’s gonna get frigging cold.

It’s gonna get frigging hot.

Somebody important is going to die.

Something really stupid will happen in Texas.

Something even stupider will happen where we don’t expect it.

Someone will find a new way to recycle something common that will really be smart.

There will be a YouTube video of teeth that will go viral.

There will be a really weird storm – snow in Guam comes to mind.

Prices will change dramatically (either up or down – or both) for some really nutso product.

There will be a movie that will be a big huge surprise/moneymaker at the box office.

Some scientist will declare coffee good for you… or bad for you…. Again.

A new political leader will arise in Europe.  He/She will be bald.

A new diet will become terribly successful – and then just bomb when someone famous dies from it.

A new species of bees will be found in Wisconsin.  I want to say they thrive on cheese, but I don’t dare.

Something will get stuck somewhere that we don’t expect…. Like a plane in midair….

Some cute kid will sing something great on British TV, but this time no one will notice or care.

The lyrics of the no. 1 pop song of the year will deal with a country-western singer and a giraffe.

Another invention will be anticipated as world-changing – and will make the Segway look good.

Some kind of food will surpass bacon as the supreme food.

Someone who has been out of the public eye for decades will reappear… but not Jimmy Hoffa.

***********

­­­Now, if you have something to say about this list, go ahead… but then write your own predictions, too, so we can all roll our eyes at those, too.

If I Had Ever Been Cast in a TV Show…

(NaBloPoMo for Nov. 10, 2013)

I have been fortunate to participate in community theatre here in town… I’ve done over 40 shows in one capacity or another, so I have the experiences of being on stage and of auditioning – and I like it … but ultimately, and as a child of the 60s, I wonder how I would have fit into TV shows over the years… I know, let’s see what happens….

beaverHere’s the fifties…. and I am about 7 years old.  Look over there!  Hey, it’s The Cleaver house, where Wally is known to give the business to the Beaver almost every day.  We watch the boys go to school, and by golly, there I am, cast as one of the kids in Beaver’s classroom, where Miss Landers sits at her desk – so pretty and so nice.  I pretty much just get to sit in the desk – I have no lines, but I do get to react on camera when Beaver knocks his spelling book on the floor, embarrassing him in front of the girl with pigtails.

And perhaps if I could have been an adult like I am now and did a show in the sixties, I might just be on Perry Mason – and this time, I’d get a line or two, which would be (as they said in the 50s)  “just keen”.  I can hear the line right now… ”Yes, Your Honor.  We the Jury find Wilbert Marx NOT GUILTY”.  With any luck, I’d get to turn to Mr.Mason and nod with a knowing look.

monkees And so then, the sixties …. I was in my early teens then, so clearly I would find myself cast on THE MONKEES.  Again, no lines.  I’m the guy in the absolutely unnecessarily doofy fashion wear – plaid pants and a paisley shirt– and I am at a MONKEES concert in which I’m on camera for a whole 1.33 seconds, waving madly.  By the way, the fashion statement was one that I would have made for myself in real life.  I figured I might admit this before my sisters called me on it.

Going back to the sixties as an adult would find me in a similar role as I did as an adult in the fifties…. But instead of being a jury foreman, I’d be an eyewitness for Sergeants Friday and Gannon on Dragnet, just giving them the facts; “I heard a strange sound, you know, nothing all that unusual, but you react to anyway?  The man had broken the glass on the counter.  He stuck his hand into the case and removed a handful of watches into his pocket and ran out the door.  That’s all I saw, officer.”  They would thank me and walk off, having written my poetic phrases in their little spiral notebooks.  With any luck, I get to swing the hammer at the end of the show for the MARK VII PRODUCTIONS logo…

mash

 

And now we get into the seventies, and I’m in my twenties – a young adult now, so bring on M*A*S*H*.  (And yes, the asterisks are necessary….).   I play an ordinary soldier, so I am on screen for only a short time, as I walk a tray full of surgical tools through the ER to have them sterilized in the autoclave by nurse Kelly.  Hey, it’s a living….

And then to go back as the adult I am now — hmmmm… the seventies…. Which means I have a small part on Charlie’s Angels as an elevator operator – or maybe as a farm implement dealer on Dallas….. or worse, I get to be a victim on The A Team, where I am shot down at the beginning of the show, where the last words I hear come from Mr. T, who utters his famous “I pity the fool!”

cheers

 

The eighties?  I am at my best as a thirty year old patron and borderline friend of that gang at Cheers.  My big moment?  I get to shake my head when that old guy makes a lewd comment after Carla Tortelli gets off a good zinger as Diane…. And to go back as I am now, I’m more than likely populating a gurney, totally obfuscated (I always wanted to use that word) by a sheet on an episode of Chicago Hope… .and I don’t even get to meet Denzel Washington or Howie Mandell.

frazierAlmost the end of the century now – and I’m at a party, watching the Crane brothers (Frazier and Niles, as if I had to tell you….) argue over the vintage of a certain wine.  The fun part?  They spill it on me.  I even get a credit at the end of the show as ‘man with wine spill’.  My appearance as I am now comes on one of the many LAW AND ORDER shows – doesn’t matter which one at all – in which I get to play a middle manager at a bank that gets robbed by guy played by a member of the cast of RENT who wants to make some extra money.  My line – “Please, and take it with you.”

And finally as the century changes, I’m almost myself.  As the fifty year old man I was back then, about ten years ago, I play a superintendent of the apartment building where Marshall, Lilly, Ted and Robin live… and I get to shoo off Barney with a broom as he tries to hit on my ‘daughter’ as played by a young actress just appearing on the scene… Scarlett Johansen….

bbt

And to conclude, I fantasize myself as I am now – and I’m actually am the same person I was when I was twelve….. I’m looking through the DC Comics on BIG BANG THEORY, wishing I could fly with Wonder Woman on her invisible aircraft.  Ain’t imagination grand?

Top Ten Team Names We Don’t Ever Need to See

)NaBloPoMo for Nov. 8, 2013)

With all the foofaraw regarding the Washington Redskins name and all that, it occurred to me that the David Letterman Top Ten List thing might be interesting, so here goes….

 

Top Ten Team Names We Don’t Ever Need to See

 10.  The Fighting Sloths

9.  The Body Outlines

8.  The Outhouses

7.  The Armpit Hairs

6.  The Dead Fish Washed Up on the Beach

5.  The  Leaky Dumpsters

4.  The Third Reich

3.  The Colonoscopies

2.  The Canadian Mayors

1.  The Penn State Athletic Directors

What was I expecting anyway?

the beardI recently posted a comment on FACEBOOK about baseball players and those big bushy beards they’re wearing these days, ready to make a nasty comment… and then I remembered that I sported the same look myself back in the early 80s, so I posted that picture too…. And you know, I got more hits on that than on anything else I’ve posted – by blog stuff, my dumb little comments….at first, I was dismayed; wasn’t my serious stuff good?  Heck, I was lucky if those things got 20 hits… But this picture, and the comment that went with it, has received over 100 hits and comments combined.  What’s up with that?

 

I’ll tell you what’s up with that…. lightheartedness is a good thing.  It may seem innocuous and pointless, but I say Nay, No, Never and uh uh.  Such frivolities serve to release something – tension, nostalgia, whatever.  I’ll show you what I mean.

 

Some of the people who responded to THE PIC are former students from the same days as THE PIC.  They remember my goofy days in the classroom, but they also remember the days I got a little tense over things.  Some former students never saw me this way – and upon seeing this said to themselves, “This explains a lot….”.

 

Some are good friends – some old, some new.  Simple comments reveal thoughts like ‘I remember those days” and “I wish I could have seen Charlie in action back then” and even “Hey.  This guy must have really been into some goofy crap.”

 

Some are relatives who have known me since the diaper days and have seen me in wire frames glasses, dressed in cute little boy suits, saw me just be nuts… there’s the nostalgic stuff I mentioned.

 

Some don’t even really know me – so I can imagine the stories being built in their heads about this yoyo who keeps writing his blather online.  I am glad to be the source of an imagination-stretching exercise for you.

 

So a big thanks to all who responded to THE PIC.  I appreciate you all.

Napowrimo 26 An ERASURE

The idea here is to take an existing poem, deleting words, phrases and lines, and still leave some gist and meaning of the poem.  Here’s mine.  

CA        BA

The outlook                                                     that day

The score                                one                                        play

Cooney died                   Barrows did

pall-like silence

got up

even money

Flynn                                                                  Blake

hoodoo                                         cake

melancholy

little chance

single            wonderment

despised

dust             men

second                                                        third

thousands throats and more

valley               rattled

pounded                                    recoiled

Ca                                       ba

ease

pride

doffed

No                                                     Ca                     ba

he rubbed

he wiped

a-watching

unheeded

benches                                                                          roar

storm-waves

Kill               Kill

Ca               ha

Christian                    Ca               visage

stilled                               he bade

signaled                                                                    sphere flew

Two!

Fraud                                                                               Fraud

scornful                      Ca

muscles strain

they knew                                        Ca

sneer                                            Ca

cruel violence

and now

and now

O                                                    Ca             Out

Napowrimo 21 – Fortune Cookie lines.

TEN FORTUNE COOKIE LINES (from various angles)

 

You may look like a frog and sound like a frog

But even frogs have important things to do.

 

You can scale the highest mountain, gaze in every direction

And still have no idea how big God is.

 

It is better to be a river that is slow and deep than to be one

That is shallow, fast, and evaporates in the heat.

 

A useful wing has many feathers.

 

You cannot see the wind unless you see what it moves.

 

Ocean waves keep coming and coming, never giving up.

 

Even the smallest plant will grow after the

Most violent volcano cools.

 

Every raindrop offers life.

 

A caliber of a man is not measured by the weapon he owns.

Neither is owning a weapon a measure of the caliber of the man.

 

The world and all that is in it is a symphony of God’s composition.