With the Minnesota Gophers football team headed to a very good record this year, and therefore, a very good shot at a well-known bowl game, the TV talking heads have quit surmising about the Gophers penchant for getting selected for such small time bowl games – particularly the Music Bowl in Nashville.

But I suspect there are worse bowls out there for the really stinko teams – or at least there should be. I have a few in mind.

THE SANITATION BOWL – held in New Jersey. Sponsored by Waste Management Corporation. The loser has to have lunch with Gov. Chris Christie. The game is played on a field strewn with the contents of a dozen garbage trucks that have run their routes 3 times without emptying. Extra points are earned by kicking the ball into a dumpster at each end zone.

THE REDNECK BOWL – rotates between the states of the Deep South, the game is held in a mobile stadium that is movable from state to state. The game itself, though requires that the stadium be up on concrete blocks with the tailgate area filled with refrigerators with the doors off. The referees use shotguns as signaling devices instead of whistles.

THE FROZEN BOWL – Held in International Falls, Minnesota, on the ice of the frozen over Rainy River. No cleats – all players wear bunny boots. Instead of a standard football, an ice chunk is used that weighs the same as a standard football but can be any shape.

THE RAIN BOWL. This game cannot be scheduled too far ahead of time and is dependent on predicted weather. The game may happen anytime within the months of January and February, whenever conditions are right – and those conditions…. it is to be played in a raging rainstorm on the side of Mount Ranier at a location where the ground is at least 24 degrees. The ground will be cleared to match the required dimensions of a football field but the tree stumps remain, sticking no more than 6 inches out of the ground.

THE NERD BOWL. This game is played in the quad of the APPLE COMPUTER campus in Cupertino, California. All audience members must wear narrow ties and eyeglasses with tape at the nose. Instead of a huddle, the teams meet in a dodecagon. Failure to do so is a penalty to be called by the referees, the amount of yardage advancing through the fibonacci numbers. No score is kept. The winner is determined by an algorithm based on the brain pan sizes of the two teams. The largest average brain pan size wins.

THE DEATH VALLEY BOWL. The field is the entire length of Death Valley, but the width is of the standard football field. Yardage, instead of in yards, is in rods. The periods are 15 hours long each instead of the usual minutes. One touchdown is worth a million points and an extra point is achieved by kicking a buffalo skull between two different cacti.

I believe we’ll leave it at that. Thank goodness the Gophers are headed for a good bowl game.