2 17 Senex in tasselsI know who the next host of the Academy Awards program should be.  ME!

Why not?  We’ve seen so many people barely reach adequacy over the last several airings of the show – and hey, I can be as barely adequate as most of them.  Seth McFarlane just didn’t fare well with the critics – or with me, for that matter..  Before him, the Academy has selected folks over the past 30 years for the job who just didn’t come through as expected – and that list includes Chevy Chase, Alan Alda, Whoopi Goldberg, Anne Hathaway and James Franco, to name some.  We’ve seen the some of the Oscar hosts reveal a level of mediocrity that equal the likes of lukewarm tea, beige paint or the audible excitement of a busy signal.   Certainly I can be as barely adequate as all that.

What is required of an Oscar host?   The last several hosts have had to address this list: a little singing, a little dancing, the ability to read a teleprompter or idiot cards, and being able to read some foreign names out loud occasionally. All else is mere icing on the cake.

It is apparently no longer necessary that the host be a world-famous personality with several movies under his or her belt.  Mr. McFarlane produced TED, which I enjoyed, but that’s it.  FAMILY GUY, you say?  Oh come now.  That’s TV, and we know that movie stars look at TV with disdain – that is, unless, there’s a need to hawk a new movie on Letterman, Leno, Conan – or any of a growing list of late night talk shows.

There have been hosts who came from TV … well, let’s see.  There’s the famous Letterman flop.  Ellen DeGeneres didn’t exactly bring down the roof.    You have to go back to 1984 for Mr. Johnny Carson, who did a successful hosting several times… and that wasn’t because he was a TV person, it was because of his great relationship with the Hollywood community.

There have been entertainment standards that have been appealing.  Billy Crystal’s work brought great fun and style to the ceremony nine different times.  Why hasn’t he continued?  I offer this thought; He realized that even he can’t keep topping himself year after year.  You have to go back to the aforementioned Johnny Carson and then the ever Oscar-less Bob Hope to find someone who proved to offer consistently productive work as a host.

Like I blatantly inferred earlier…. WHY NOT ME?

I am able to perform all the items in the list – I’ve been on community theatre stages often enough to know I can dance and sing a little, I am literate, so I can read and pronounce anything they give me.

Community theatre, you say?  That’s all I have?  Why yes, my dears, community theatre.  Definitely not major league stuff… downtown Podunk USA it might be, but it’s what I have to offer, and lemme tellya folks, sometimes, it is pretty good stuff.  The only difference between me and the movie stars is that I’ve appeared in about 40 productions of various shows in front of maybe hundreds over the years, and those movie stars have global audiences.

Comedic?  You bet.  Lazar Wolf in FIDDLER, Nicely-Nicely Johnson in GUYS AND DOLLS, Uncle Max in THE SOUND OF MUSIC, Senex in A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM… not to mention regional funny stuff like the DON’T HUG ME plays and a few others.  Oh, I can bring the comedy, especially when I’m doing the words of other writers, which is what would happen for me as the host of the Oscars.

Reverent?  I would honor the film industry.  They have achieved so much – and I would talk that up as best I could.  Say what you want to about Hollywood, but they have to be credited with bringing a great deal of joy, entertainment, edification and art to the world.  I personally am highly thankful for that and would want it to continue to do so.

Yes, I have my own expectations.  Here are my requirements – and they are not written in concrete in front of the Graumman’s Chinese Theatre…  I insist on a writing staff that I select – including perhaps the likes of Norman Lear, Rob and Carl Reiner, and others of such skill and repute, with complete control of what I do and say – no crappy bad jokes of the Ricky Gervais style  – you never saw the good ones stoop to that kind of sluggish humor.

I clean up pretty well.  I’m sure the costumers and makeup artists could whip me into a presentable figure up there, despite the fact that I’m nearly 60-year-old, 200 pounds, balding, a physique that resembles a cross between Jell-O and yogurt, and a passing amount of verbal skill – (I mean, 34 years of teaching and those community theatres should count for something here, don’t you think?)  I would need a dressing room, hotel accommodations for me and my wife and entourage, (which would include but not be limited to other family members and to those many who helped me make it through all those years in community theatre) one swag gift bag each for all my entourage members, now that you mention it – top notch transportation for me and my entourage, admission to all the after-parties for all of us, and a salary of at least six figures.  I would be glad to do any pre- and post-show appearances on the late night circuit, and those daytime things that pass as talk shows – but again, I’d need accommodations for my wife and at least some of my entourage.  I figure I’d get scale for such appearances.

Suffice it to say, if the internet world can sway Lorne Michaels to get  Betty White to host Saturday Night Live, then why not Charlie Sixty as host of the Academy Awards?

Am I serious about this?  Well, yeah, sort of.  I recognize that I have about the same chance as being discovered by a movie producer while wearing a slinky sweater in a local drug store… but you know, I’ve donned similar apparel for some of the shows I’ve been in…. I haven’t gotten on JEOPARDY or MILLIONAIRE yet, so why not this?

How is this to be accomplished?  I attach here the snail mail address, phone and website address of the Academy of Film Arts and Sciences.  I don’t have an agent.  I need you to be my agent.  If enough people point me out to them, who knows?  I leave it in your hands, o mighty public.  Pass this on to friends….  start your own blog about it …. let’s get this going.

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

8949 Wilshire Blvd

Beverly Hills, CA   90211
(310) 247-3000