My name is BubbaRayBubbaJohn.  To say it right, ya gotta say like it was one word…. Bubbaraybubbajohn.  Get it? Two Bubbas, one each for my grandpas.  Ray was my paw.  John was where I was born.  But that’s another story.

I’m here to tellya, yep, I’m a stereotype.  I’m one of THOSE.  You already got the list in your head what I’m like.  Never been much for school.  Own an old truck that I built from leftover parts kinda like in that JohnnyCash song.  I can build a still faster than that guy MacGyver – and out of not so many parts.  AND I can and will drink it down faster, too.  O’ course, I might go blind for awhile…..

Married?  Yup.  She’s “The Wife”…. Her name?  I can’t never remember, but it’s the lady version of Bubba.  It ain’t Babette… she ain’t no French floozy.  It ain’t Bubbarella – she don’ look or act like no liberal minded Jane what’s-her-la-de-da-name Fonda to me at all.  But she’s mine – has been for 17 years now.  Don’t know what I’d do with out her, which is what you non-stereotypes call “love”, I reckon..  By the way, when I need to call her, it comes out “Lollipop” or sometimes “Scrumpkins”.  So you see, she don’t really need a real name anyway.  She works hard at home and the same for how she works down at the beauty parlor every Tuesday and Thursday.

We got a coupla kids.  They listen when they should and they do their chores like they should.  Li’l Gordy Bob takes care of our cows – feeds and milks ‘em just like he’s told.  Got hisself in trouble once when he happened to catch the preacher going into the church outhouse and tipped it over.  After we all got done laughin’ about it, (even Preacher Simons laughed), he did see the other side of his daddy’s sense o’ humor for a bit.  But he’s a good kid.  Reminds me of me when I was a runt.  He’s learnin’ better in school since I told him to.. He’ll be a good guy.

SallyAnn is my sweet daughter.  She can cook and sew and clean as well as any lady I ever saw.  She’ll set a pretty table when her mama tells her that the neighbor ladies are comin’ for a visit.  The boys at school are starting to notice, so I have to keep my wits about me – already got it planned for her first date.  That young colt of a boy and I will set on the porch while SallyAnn and her ma get her all ready, and I’ll just let it sorta slip that I’ve been in the back seat of a cop car many times and wouldn’t have any trouble goin’ back there.  I think he’ll get the message.  Sally Ann is good – I’d almost bet my truck that she’s gonna be someone important someday.

Sally is good inside, and she’s pretty – but she’s no good with the livestock.  GordyBob is great with the cows, but he’s pretty plain and dirty, even for a boy.  He shouldn’t be seen, and Sally can’t herd.

I make a good living’.  I can fix anything with a motor in it.  Fixed an airplane for a guy once – and it actually flew.  My specialty is tractors and diesel engines.  Got my own tools and if I can’t make a part, I’ll invent my own way of doing it.  A Pennzoil oil can makes a great muffler if you attach it with lots of wire.  Tires can go an extra tank of gas worth if you use enough duck tape.  Did a tour with the National Guard over to the Middle East once.  (Been there, and glad that’s done.)  Love my country and vote every time…. None of your business how.

Not too many bad things about me.  I chew a bit, and you already know I drink my own stuff.  Sometimes I eat too much, and sometimes I belch my beer and fart out The Wife’s beans.  I’m true to The Wife all the way, I take care o’ my kids, and I swear only when I get real mad at the govermint – which is more often these days.  I hunt, I watch NASCAR when its on (with The Wife at my side).  And I go to church – even listen to the preacher on Easter and Christmas.  And no matter how hard you want to , I won’t sing in church.

I aim to do it all good for me and my family and my country and even the church, just like everybody else.  It’s that kinda thing that makes me NOT be as much a stereotype as you may think, just like you folks.

Advertisements